Trish was her name. A skinny, tanned girl with long brown hair and hazel eyes.We met at college in the computer lab. I don't remember what we talked about, I just remember those eyes delving into me, searching for a like minded friend.
She told me she was gay that first day during a cigarette. We decided to car pool to save on gas, etc. Sixteen  years old, *  sharp as a tack. I was twenty-four and didn't have a clue. Oh yes, I thought I knew what life was about. I was so wrong.  I knew I was too old to be cool enough  to hang out with her friends or talk on the phone. I tried calling a couple times. She said her parents didn't like when people called so I stopped. I didn't want to get her into trouble. Only later did I find out this was a lie. (Cell phones were not nearly as common then). Something that I'd denied since I was twelve came to the foyer of my mind. I found myself wondering ; What did she look like under those clothes? What did a kiss taste like from her? At the same time I condemned myself. Those thoughts were "wrong" because that's what I was taught.
 I found myself almost wanting to be her, so sure of herself, so confident, so full of life, so open! I bought her things - music, candy, clothes. I talked to her in her favorite chat room when I got home. She still had classes,  more than I did, coming in on her hour break between them.
She loved South Park, so I watched it.
She liked Tool.  I bought the album too. 
She played soccer, so I always asked about that and learned what the terms meant.
All so I'd have something to talk to her about. 
I even drove her to Oregon to meet an online friend, I poured my heart out to the friend, how much I liked this girl. I knew they laughed behind my back.
 I got tickets for Lilith Fair and we went together, but she kept me at bay even then. "Losing" me at one point and "finding" me again. We were so late getting home she got in big trouble with her dad.
I had the house alone a few weeks later, and invited over to have a drink and "hang out", she'd never come over before. Blaming it on her dad,. saying he wouldn't let her.  We were in a chatroom  together and it was quite fun. The people there all knew our user names by then, we had combined them , they knew we were in the same house. I'm sure she'd  told them I had a crush on her.
After about a couple of hours and a few drinks I finally got the courage to kiss her....
She kissed me back! Long, lovely kisses, she tasted like the alcohol. I'm sure I did too.
 I'd waited for this moment, longed for it - I was so sure she would realize what she'd been missing.
We went upstairs and I caressed and kissed her body, her skin was so beautifully creamy and soft! I kissed her neck, her breasts, her mouth, all while trying to undress her. She kissed my mouth back but nowhere else. I kissed down her torso and went a bit further down.
At that moment I realized I had no clue what to do, I had dreamt of this moment without preparing! I had yet to have had oral sex at that point in my life.  I was scared to even touch her genitals with my fingers. ( I had never even touched my own at that point, I was taught it was also "wrong"). I let her lead,  she thrusted agaist my flat tounge as I wondered what the hell I was even doing! She got to climax quite fast, and then said she had to pee. I stopped and let her off the bed thinking she was coming back.
She left the room, peed, and then called the oregon girl to tell her what we'd done. When I heard her voice on the phone I reaized she was done with me. I don't even remember how she got home, but she left right after that.
We talked a couple times after that night. It was always awkward. I even went to visit her at work once after her parents moved her away. She seemed glad to see me and we exchanged email. However, she stopped hanging out in the chat room and has never written to me.
I realize now what that really was. I had schoolgirl crush with the resources of an adult. She played me like a fiddle. I chased her for almost a year, She knew I was chasing her and let me, it was all a game for her. Hindsight is always 20/20 they say.
That was ten years ago, and she still haunts my dreams.
So knowing  this why did I let it happen again?  Why didn't I recognize it?  Are we doomed to repeat our mistakes? Am I incapable of learning? Or was my heart simply so full of hope and dreams that maybe this time it won't turn out that way because this person isn't her?
* There was a program in the high school at that time so the kids at the top of their class could get a jump start on college and take college classes as their extra credit classes.